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A
man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes
back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see that police officer who is sitting at the next table is
a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem with this is that this is the last chicken in
the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for
another dish for you!"
The
guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation
to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen up, pal. That is my chicken
you are about to eat and I'll warn you whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs;
I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The
man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s rectum pulls it out and licks it.
He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says,
"Your turn!"
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A
guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of
his said,
"I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where
was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
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Q.
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The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently
married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She
saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home
from work." The daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" she replied. "This is my love dress" she replied. "Love dress?
But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him
happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute". The mother
in law was tired of this entire romantic talk and left.
On the way home she thought about the love
dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her perfume and waited by the front door. Finally, her husband
came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What
are you doing?" he asked."
This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing!"
A guy walks into the Toys-R-Us toy shop in downtown Cleveland and says to the assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie
dolls?"
She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have:
*Fashion Barbie @ $15.95
*Vacation
Barbie @ $15.95
*Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and
*Divorcee Barbie @ $215.95!"
The guy asks in astonishment, “Why is "Divorcee Barbie so much? She looks the same to me."
The assistant answers, "Well, sir, Divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's
house, Ken's golf clubs, his season tickets to the Tribe and the Browns, his Gold MasterCard, his yacht and his summer home."
Brains
In the hospital the relatives gathered in
the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely
ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces.
"The only hope
left for your loved one at this time is a
brain transplant. It's an experimental
procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. You will have to pay for
the brain
yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed
the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,” Well, how much
does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded,"$5,000 for a male
brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room
tried not to smile; avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've
actually been used."
Man of Her Dreams
Susan was in her
late thirties and still not married.
She just had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did
meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in
the
newspaper.She
wrote ;
"Looking
for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is excellent in bed".
Several
days went by and she hadn't got a single call.
Then,
one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She walked upstairs to
answer it.
She
opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
"Can
I help you?" she asked.
He
said, "I am the man of your dreams!"
She
was baffled. She said, "Excuse me."
"I
read your personal ad in the paper and I am the
perfect
man for you. I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs, so I can never leave you."
"But
are you good in bed?" she asked.
He
replied, "How do you think I knocked the door?!"
THE DOCTOR
It made me laugh. Hope it does same
for you.
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith to see about enlarging her breasts. Dr. Smith told her, "Everyday
after your shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for
several months and it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and realized she had
forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't do the little rhyme, she got right
out there in the middle aisle of the bus and said,
"Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby
asked,
"Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's by any chance?"
"Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
He leaned closer,
winked and whispered,
"Hickory dickory dock ".
WHEN CAN I GO HOME?
Tony and Sharon
were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Tony suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Sharon promptly jumped in to save him. She swam
to the bottom, pulled Tony out and brought him to his room.
When the hospital director became aware of Sharon's heroic
act, she immediately ordered that Sharon be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Sharon to be mentally
stable.
She went to Sharon and said, "I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that you're
being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient,
you displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is that Tony, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Sharon replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him
there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
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